Category: Life and Work

Today

There are times when sometimes you wonder about the universe.  Because it can be so fucking wonderful and so fucking shit at the same time.  I honestly try every single day to find the good.  And I always do.  Like the whales yesterday off the Maroubra headland.  And the black lorikeets today. Nature truly can lift the soul.

Today was quite ordinary though.  My bus was MIA for half an hour.  The silver fox driving it looked perplexed when I asked about the tracker that connects to the app not being activated.  Eyes were rolled (his, not mine because I’m not disrespectful like that) and I decided to move right along.

Some challenges presented themselves a bit later resulting in me needing a bit of a drink at around 3pm but one simply does not roll a glass of champers at that time of the afternoon on a Wednesday.  So I took the dog for a walk.

Now all of you that have had eyes on Koda I sadly inform you that you need to stand down because he has found his great love.  Six weeks ago another Goldie called Lily moved into the area.  People have remarked that they have watched these two together and it’s as if no-one else exists.  This is true.  Another truth is that Lily has the devil in her most of the time and takes to torturing her gorgeous mother.

It was Jolina’s birthday today and she was having a real shit of a day.  In her 4×4 monster she clipped a smallish Fiat on South Dowling (after sitting in traffic for three hours) and didn’t realise (because she was practically catatonic from sitting in the aforementioned traffic for three hours) but the Fiat owner promptly reported her to the nearest police station.  Let’s just say they didn’t call her to say Happy Birthday to you.

After frolicking with Koda for a good ten minutes the evil took hold and Lily found the thickest, blackest mud to lie down in.  She was like Topdeck.  But black underneath.  And then she promptly jumped on Koda who then became like upside down Topdeck.  Jolina was going to cry.  But one simply doesn’t cry on one’s birthday.  I had a “fuck this” moment and told her we were taking the dog’s swimming in the Mahon Pools.  She looked at me like I was a crazy person.  Because there are big signs like this everywhere.

NO DOGS!!!!!

NO DOGS!!!!!

I told her to just follow. These were desperate times.  And it was her birthday for God’s sake.

And then they refused to jump in.  To the child that left his ball down there we bless you for your foresight. Jolina threw it in which sparked some interest from Lily who approached the edge of the pool cautiously.  Jolina was quick to kick her in the arse, straight into the pool.  Like a boss.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t howling with laughter at this point.  Koda is more of a follower than a leader so boom! in he went.  Monkey see, monkey do.  I hauled both out by their collars because getting in was easier than getting out it seemed.  And just like that we had too perfectly gold, golden retrievers.  This is what #winning looked like today. And man, oh man was I feeling a bit better.

So were Lily and Koda (I think).  They are smiling, no?

IMG_3151

The wayward Lily was immediately leashed as observed in this picture.  We are only stupid once.

And strange, but true everyone felt better.  We laughed like lunatics, saw some more whales, shared some deep, dark truths about making life less stressful.

I know I have said this many times over, but this dog has changed my life, not only bringing me perspective but also allowing me to meet some beautiful people.

Keep it real people – life’s too short.

Love and light

Lauren xxx

Week One – almost survival…..

The thing about week one is that you go back in with the best intentions.  The best intentions of remaining zen like post your holiday and managing things without getting that tight chest feeling, red face and burny eyes.

You have had some time off, you’ve started to reclaim your fitness, done yoga regularly, spent time with the family and the sun, and man, you’re feeling good.

You go back with the best intentions.  It lasts almost to the end of the fourth day.  And then BAM!!!!!!

And you feel like you’ve regressed.  Major fail.

Couple that with finding a lost dog at 6.30pm that night and not being able to catch it and knowing it’s terrified and thirsty and exhausted and it eventually disappears and you drive around for half an hour to no avail.  I now know what looking for a needle in a haystack feels like.  Like I might have had more luck with the needle and the haystack.

And FYI peeps – the police stations and fire stations don’t have a clue what to do when you call up and ask who to call about a lost dog and if you happen to catch it – where can you take it?  Frustrating and upsetting all round.  Burny eyes.

I have to stop myself from driving around looking for him today because I know that literally he could be anywhere.  I have to hope that some good samaritan did catch him and keep him safe for the night before going to the local vet to check for a microchip.  He had no collar.  Why people why???? Look after your dogs properly – don’t roll the dice. It’s not fair on the animal or the people trying to get him home before dark.

I’m going to sign off now and pull myself out of this stink eye of a mood.  The sun is shining and life is good. Repeat. I found this one on Pinterest.  Not a bad thought.

60aefabb7db8f8b8c4d64727b4c4e132-1

Love and light

Lauren xxx

Sawubona – I see you

There’s an African greeting from home that’s swimming around in my head.  At school we learned Zulu and the very first word taught was “Sawubona” which literally translated means “I see you”.  It’s an acknowledgement that the person exists.  Not just a hello but a way to say I am looking at you to see how you are.

Three small words, “I.  See. You”.

With this in my mind I’ve had cause to reflect on those we really see and who really sees us.

Some things I know for sure.  The people closest to us often don’t.  Perhaps it’s the familiarity of the relationships – the voice that’s become like white noise, instead of one that counts.  And while it makes me question whether one should only present a happy sparkly self – I know everyone’s got their shit and inevitably, life goes on, tomorrow’s a new day. 

Whether you like it or not.

The people I really want to mention are those that aren’t family or necessarily very close friends but those we encounter as part of our every day life.  They sometimes take more than a brief second to empathise with us and actually stop and connect.  Even though they don’t have to.  It’s that “I see you” moment that means everything.  Everything.  Its the acknowledgement that I heard the stress in your voice when you ordered coffee, I saw the look in your eye when you said hello.  It’s a reason to carry on.  To have a bit of faith in others.  You know who they are, and personally, to me, you know who you are.

So, to those out there who do take the time to shelve their own shit, leave judgement wherever it belongs and look people in the eye and give them a voice – I hope you know the good you do.

It keeps people putting one foot in front of the other.

One foot in front of the other.

So perhaps you’ll go into the new week keeping this post in mind and being the person that says Sawubona,  or at the very least appreciating the other person that does.

Dodging Landmines

I feel like Lara Croft in Tomb Raider – landmines everywhere.  (I haven’t actually seen the movie but it looks like this is very much the case).

Dodging landmines – unfortunately not as successfully as the lovely Lara

Similarly, I’m getting my arse grazed everywhere by exploding situations. And I’m going to need a new colon at the end of it, or at the very least a donut cushion.

The poor ladies and gents at work – I don’t even know how to start apologising – their virgin ears are no longer.

No explanation needed.

I’m not much better at home.  A bit shouty apparently.  My father pointed out that it can’t be easy to live with me at the moment.  I had to agree – I don’t even want to be with me.  I strike fear in my own heart.

Sometimes, I actually mean it.

And the poor Artist Formerly Known As – offered me a cup of tea last night at 6.30.  Apparently I didn’t have WINE tattooed on my forehead.  A suggestion that perhaps tea would serve me better went down like a lead balloon, followed by scattering and the appearance of a large glass of white.  Magic this shouty stuff.

Not cutting it – I wanted Mr Wine.

Tried to earn back some points today with Miss12 who is getting braces fitted in a few weeks.  The back story is that I scheduled on a Monday morning after giving the orthodontist major grief about the time of the appointment and how he’s a complete shit not to start work at 7am. Turns out it’s a religious holiday for us Jewish peeps and my office is closed as is the kids school.  I had also growled at Miss12 when scheduling that she would be a-okay to go to school and to man up.

So, to now appear to be the benevolent mother (that I am clearly not right now) I sent her an email to say I had decided we could go home after her braces were fitted and that she didn’t have to go to school that day.

She’s wise that one.

Didn’t even take ten minutes for the return email to read – “School’s closed that day mom, but nice try.”

So, clearly I’m fooling no-one.

And next week will be better.

Or I’ll be writing to you from a beach in Bali.  My passport is current.

Karma, Christmas and an Ode to those I Love

Someone posted a great message on facebook yesterday.  It went like this:

A letter to Karma

At this time of year, with love and Christmas cheer abounding, I’m not going to rise to the occasion and actually run a list.  You know who you are, you fuckers.  For some of you, I already know what’s coming and I hope you’re ready.  The universe responds to evil and it willbite you in the arse as the door hits you on the way out. Enough said. To those of you lovelies who have made this year sunshiny and wonderful and have made me smile, even when I wanted to cry – I love you more than you know and you have a friend for life.

I will kill the bull for you x

Some special mentions with love are necessary though. The Big O – who is systematically burning his very own hole in the ozone layer above our house.  I will appreciate the sub-zero aircon one day when I am menopausal.  Promise.

Caller ID for The Big O

Miss9 – to answer your question, your money is not with Westfield or Medibank.  It’s with Westpac.  Your father’s money is primarily with Westfield. Miss12 – for the love of God I’m begging for mercy.  I’m not ready to be the mother of a teenager.  And I’m not allowed to bash you for your mood swings or lock you in a cupboard for a few hours.   Because therapy is expensive and ongoing.  Your father would prefer that we spend his money at Westfield. (refer to point above)

Courtesy of Miss12

The MomandPopShop – again, for the love of God I’m begging for mercy.  I knowyou don’t have early onset Alzheimers, so stop pretending.

No - you don't have early onset Alzheimers

To Villa Maria and Absolut – thank you for providing some much needed support at 5pm most weekdays.

Paying homage at the Temple of Absolut

The crew at the gym (including our beloved Mad Mel) – you ladies rock.  And it’s a tough thing to do at 5.30am.  You seriously rock.

Putting our arse to the grass with Mad Mel

To shop assistants everywhere.  The customer is queen.  Think the people at Napolean Perdis might have learnt this the hard way yesterday when they “dissed”my friend Kat.  Merry Christmas morons, the people at Lancome thank you, to the tune of $400.

Completely unrelated to shopping but classic.

To those I am playing Word with Friends with – I am completely crap.  However, I will spend the next four weeks of my vacation studying the game, inside out and back to front.  “Klonimous” – get ready for 2012.  I will beat you one day, yes I will. And last but not least, to the crazy team at the office.  The Big O does not understand the amount of time we keep in contact with each other outside of work.  I have tried to explain to him that the family that plays together stays together.  He thinks Words with Friends is pushing it (see above again) and is worried that you think I don’t have a real life.  Both he and I assure you that I do and that in my real life I play Scrabble, old school style, with the family. Sometimes I even win. All bases covered I think.

Old School Scrabble - the kind I can still win at

On that note, I hope that Santa and American Express provide you with all that you need over this festive time and that no airline goes on strike to bugger up travel arrangements for much needed holidays.  JetStar – I’m looking at you to keep it clean over the next few weeks.  Thank you in advance. Merry Merry – Christmas, Chanukah – whatever floats your boat.  Be good to yourselves and all those around you.

Christmas and Channukah - side by side

You don’t need to be management to kick arse

Hotlips Houlihan from MASH (not the Sergeant Major)

We have a newly self appointed sergeant major in the work place.  And she is kicking our arses to touch.  Three times a day minimum.  The people who know and love me are finding this hysterically funny.  To be honest, some days I quite dig the concept of coming to work and waiting for the emails to arrive, telling me what to do as I sit zombie like in front of my computer.  Other days, I remember that I am “management” and that this isn’t so cool.

So me and my home girl Shazza, who’s also in management, like to fire each other up.  Like a two person girl gang.  Shazza really really doesn’t like to be reminded of stuff because she is totally super organised.  After two weeks of being micro’d by the Sergeant Major we approached the Big Kahuna.  We thought maybe he told her to whip us into shape.  It turns out no.  Because we are already in quite good shape – even if we say so ourselves.  So the Big Kahuna speaks to the Sergeant Major.  Problem solved.

Yesterday, I’m shooting the breeze in the Big Kahuna’s office about how completely fucked I am to find a venue on the north shore next June to accommodate 400 people or so and in mid-sentence I’m interrupted.  It plays out as follows:

Sergeant Major to Big Kahuna “You need to call Mike Jones now”!

The Big Kahuna jumps upright in his chair.  Straight back, posture correct.

“Yes, I’m doing it now”.

Sergeant Major to me: Death stare (translation – get the fuck out of the Kahuna’s office so he can make the call).

Me. Dead still, holding my ground.

My death stare, not half as scary..........

Sergeant Major: “Now!!!!???????”

I put my head down to hide the laughter and tears rolling down my cheeks as I laugh without sound) – Really???  Really???

The Sergeant Major stalks out.

The Kahuna to me: “If you and your home girl Shazza ever complain to me again, I will tell you to fuck off.  That is all.  Because I have it worse. Now close the door behind you so I can make that call”.

And that my friends, is how someone not in management comes to be the most feared person in an organisation.

To lighten the mood, everyone makes mistakes, even the Sergeant Major who referred to a bollard, as a vollard in an email yesterday.  The following ensued………….

From: Sergeant Major
Sent: Thursday, 25 August 2011 11:55 AM
To: Shazza
Subject: RE: Blah Blah Blah copy of new vollard instructions – thanks Sergeant Major (eom)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

From: Shazza
Sent: Thursday, 25 August 2011 12:06 PM
To: Lauren
Subject: RE: Blah Blah Blah copy of new vollard instructions – thanks Sergeant Major (eom)

Attention to detail my arse – vollard???


 From: Lauren
Sent: Thursday, 25 August 2011 12:07 PM
To: Shazza
Subject: RE: Blah Blah Blah copy of new vollard instructions – thanks Sergeant Major (eom)

I vant a vemote so the vollards vont vuck up my vehicle.

 


From: Shazza
Sent: Thursday, 25 August 2011 12:13 PM
To: Lauren

Subject: RE: Blah Blah Blah copy of new vollard instructions – thanks Sergeant Major (eom)

Does that make it VML instead of FML?

At that point we decided to stop.  We take joy from the small things………..

 

And if you were wondering (like I was) what eom means, its “end of message” on an email subject when you don’t want to crap on in the actual email………

 DISCLAIMER: Despite the mock, the Sergeant Major is doing a shit hot job.  And that is that.

 

 

C’mon Wednesday, show me what you got!

I am completely unafraid of Wednesday because Tuesday was the bastard of the world.  Yup – to quote one of my favourite expressions, yesterday sucked dogs balls.  Truly.

And today – well, it started with a 5.15am wake up because Miss 12 is off to camp in the tropical heat of Canberra and I am stressed that she is going to be out there in the freezing cold (read airconditioned bus that might veer off the road and crash in this shitty wet weather).  And of course I had to kiss her goodbye (smother her with a bearhug) and beg her to take money for the vending machine in case she should die of hunger (read: need chocolate). Of course I was admonished and told that they are not allowed to use the vending machine.  I have no idea who’s child she actually is because nothing on this earth would have (or ever will) stood between me and a good motel vending machine.  I clearly haven’t raised a rebel of any nature.

Speaking of rebellion, the man upstairs is also having a bit of a day……I have a large event tonight at a venue not ideal for these cyclonic conditions – at this point I am wishing for a mega corporate budget so I could’ve hired the Four Seasons with its undercover valet parking.  The thought of 500 women battling street parking in the Eastern Suburbs, not working so well right now.  However, not for profit beggars, can’t be choosers.  (Note to Him Upstairs: I’m working for charity for heaven’s sake Man – cut me some slack).

And to top it all off, the real doozy of the day is that my hair looks like crap and I’m going to have to spend the next hour washing, blow drying and then straightening it.  All for naught because when it get’s a whiff of that moisture out there – rebellion is going to strike it’s heart and I am going to look like one of those girls from Pretty in Pink circa 1990 whatever.

So, all round, I got through this post without mentioning that yesterday I had murder in my heart and plotted with my friend Jeremy how we could knee cap a few people.  The strategy was that he would hold them while I swung my baseball bat.  (He got to hold because he is stronger than me and I got to wave the bat because the gun control laws in this country are ridiculously up tight). 

Now I just have to figure out how I can get out of a business lunch today, get the sun to shine, the rain and wind to stop and the temperature to stay up at 20 degrees tonight.  It should all be fine.

So yeah Wednesday.   Bring it.  I got you covered.