Why cycling is not good for the ladies bits

Sometimes The Artist talks and I don’t pay attention.  It’s like a thing I do.  Most of the time I get away with it and all is well.  However, today there was this one time………..

Two nights ago The Artist who is also a tourist in Bali currently was prattling away about booking a tour today.  We had discussed going to Ubud.  He mentioned cycling and as I was not listening properly I did what I sometimes do and I make up a story for myself.  So in my mind we were going cycling through Ubud visiting a temple or two and shopping.  All good.

This morning as I was getting dressed in my harem pants for the excursion I was told this was not suitable attire for the cycling excursion.  Still not totally concerned I asked about the distance.  19km……. The cold hand of fear and disbelief strangled my heart.  Firstly, I have not properly been on a bike (aside from that one time a few years ago in Kingscliffe) since I was about 10.  And trust me on this one – a spin bike does not count. DOES. NOT. COUNT.

At breakfast once we’d reached our destination by car there was mention by the guide of 25km.  At this point I tried to summon my yogi Ujjayi breath – this means breathing in through the nose and out through the nose and through your throat of something.  I cannot even spell it – I had to google it twice to get it right.

I insisted on the children’s bike because these short little legs are not built for adult bikes and I was going to need to touch the ground frequently.

So, without getting into all the gory details, I did my 25km in a state of constant terror.  We rode on the fucking street and if you’ve ever been to Bali (or even Thailand) you might understand the perils associated with this.  Miss16 actually had a set to with a moped but they both seemed to pick up and go about their business – she showed that guy who was boss, is all I’m saying.  By the time we reached our lunch venue and set down point my hands were cramping so badly they were only slightly less painful than the part of my body connecting with the seat.  So, what didn’t emerge unscathed was my nether regions.  I need an icepack I tell you. A cruel and unusual punishment this was.

With all the love and light from Bali

Lauren xxx


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