Call Centre Comedy Hour with me and featuring The Artist

So you will all remember a while back when I wrote this post about getting my telephone banking and internet banking privileges suspended because I can’t answer the stupid questions because I DONT EVER DO THE BANKING but all the accounts are in yours truly’s name. Asset protection or some such nonsense.

It was Ground Hog Day again and The Artist, at 7.55pm (the call centre closes at 8pm) insisted I call and get something or other credit card changed. Yeah right. Like it’s that easy. So he spoke to the bloke first. Explained that his wife was challenged in this area and that I don’t really do the banking. Just my name does. Then we handed over and I proceeded to beg that he not fail me and that if I have to go and present myself in person at a branch tomorrow (when I don’t even have time to break wind) I will start to cry. And I will cry and cry and cry. He said that he really did not want that to happen. Neither did I.

Three digit access code – got nothing for you.
Word assigned to the account – nada
Can you log into your online banking? – as if. But The Artist was on this one like a shot and got me hooked up. Apparently I rambled on a lot of shit about various accounts – seems when it comes to banking not only can I not do numbers but I can’t read either.

There was an early Christmas miracle (or the guy – whom we will call Bank call centre guy 1 – was so flabbergasted he didn’t want me going into a branch and there being repercussions because he didn’t pass me and I was now crying on their premises) and I passed onto the next stage – I actually passed the id process – yes, you can bow at my temple later you are so impressed. I would bow at myself if I could.

And then the next guy (whom we will refer to as Bank call centre guy 2) who was actually going to deal with me and transfer the one credit card to another got going. I must point out there was a significant delay between the two and it was blatantly obvious that the first guy was briefing the second. I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Bank call centre guy 1: We’ve got a live one here, know’s nothing about anything. Husband is prompting her – he’s going to kick her arse if she stuffs up.
Bank call centre guy 2: So I should totally mess with them and ask them to go through a second id process.
Bank call centre guy 1: Totally – it’s so funny. He’s writing notes to prompt her and thinks I can’t hear the pen going.
Bank call centre guy 2: God! How stupid do they think we are? And deaf too? Totally going to say that I better not hear him talking in the background.
Bank call centre guy 1: I think she’s facebooking at the same time. Sounds very distracted and I can hear her tap tapping on a keyboard. Husband is getting tense about it.
Bank call centre guy 2: Wish we weren’t closing at 8pm – we could keep them going for a good 45 minutes here and have some fun
Bank call centre guy 1: You must ask her to log onto their online banking system. He’s totally got it on his iPhone ready to go and she’s pretending to know what she’s doing. And you must ask her to read out an account number or two. She gets flustered, mixes up the numbers and then you can hear him banging his head on the table. It’s classic. And try and get her to go and fetch something like a paper statement. She’ll no doubt step on the dog and you’ll hear some yowling and her apologising and him banging his head on the table again.
Bank call centre guy 2: Do you think I should tell them they can actually do this themselves online?
Bank call centre guy 1: I think they’re old school and they want to do it with someone. Otherwise why would they be so stupid to phone up in the first place?
Bank call centre guy 2: True – better go – they’ve been holding for like 6 minutes already – going to have to make up some story about the computers playing up and going offline and me waiting for them to reboot.

That, my friends is pretty much how it went down. The last bit of head banging happened when I completely made up the Frequent Flyer number to attach the card to when it was written out in front of me.

The Artist had to take the dog for a walk to get some air. I think he might have been thinking about inflicting violence on me.

Love and light
Lauren xxx

Linking up today with the lovelies over at Essentially Jess for #TeamIBOT (even thought I mistakenly hit the publish button at 9pm yesterday – because I am an idiot)


  1. Me

    In our house the roles are reversed to your house – I totally understand what you are saying and what you went through !!!
    Have the best day !

  2. Have a laugh on me

    I have a bloody mini calculater type object I have to press numbers on whenever I want to access our account and then heaven forbid I want to move money or pay a bill – I have to enter another code and then the last number of the BSB of the other person’s BANK ACC NO. – KILL ME!!!

  3. Alex

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha – that is me whenever I am on the phone to Telstra! 1 hour conversation with them in regards to an internet connection that they wanted to make an appointment to set up. Which was weird since they’d already done it two months earlier and had no record of. Bang head on table.

  4. Craft Mum

    You could be telling our story! Am glad I’m not the only computer-aholic who freezes when it comes to phone-anything. Next time I’m required to call the bank, I’m making hubby read this post first so he knows he’s not the only one banging his head!!!

  5. Emma Fahy Davis

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha, I am laughing so out loud right now as this exact same thing happens in our house, only in reverse so it’s me prompting hubby and him swearing at the operator in frustration!

  6. EssentiallyJess

    I have also been locked out of telephone banking before, and it is exhausting! Turned out despite the fact that Boatman and I have a joint account, we have different customer numbers, and I was quoting his. So i actually locked him out and not me. Oops!

  7. Tegan Churchill

    I hate, hate having to call up and do anything so I can understand your frustrations. I recently got locked out of my itunes account due to some punk accessing it illegally and I couldn’t answer any of the security questions.

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