Houston – we have a situation

I have two beautiful friends that I wish would fall in love and marry each other because I love them both to death and they are both single and I see no reason why they shouldn’t marry and make each other as happy as they make me.  All I can say is that it’s a work in progress at the moment (mine more than theirs).  In the mean while they share their stories with me which makes me feel like my life is somewhat normal, if picking up dead bats off the sidewalk and trying to convince a 14 year old that it is not in her best interests to get her bellybutton pierced or go to a rock concert at the Enmore Theatre is considered normal.

My friend DL works in events.  He is like the boss of big events.  Cool, calm and collected (even if sometimes he gets to be peaking).  With the approach of Vivid he was on call to bump a container at 10pm.  He did the obligatory social media facebook pic to let us all know that he was in the hub of something most exciting and to ensure that I had the correct amount of fomo.  As it happened this was not the most exciting part of the evening. Being the pro he is (yes – major punt here DL) he was done and dusted and in bed by 1.30am. I mean seriously, who do you know that can unload a 40 foot container in that time?  Just saying.  He fell asleep but like a responsible site manager left his phone on – lest there be an emergency.  3am – the phone rings – blocked number.

Who TF is calling at 3am????

Who TF is calling at 3am????

I would say panic but DL doesn’t panic.  Voice on the other end identifies itself as a Sergent Whatsit with our people in blue.  DL is thinking holy shit what could possibly have gone down – did someone electrocute themselves??  But he’s still dead calm at this stage.  Hasn’t even got a pulse.  Turns out they’re wondering if he knows where his motorbike is.  Turns out he does because he saw it parked outside his unit when he came home at 1.30am.  They ask that he comes outside to have a discussion. Because they’re outside.  Did I mention that it’s 3am????? So like the gentleman he is, he meets them outside (not in his underdacks but fully clothed).  He is confronted by two female officers, the spotlights from their vehicle are glaring down into his face, making them “in shadow”.  Like a true interrogation.  He’s waiting for one of our other pranksters, aka (affectionately know as) The Toyboy, who resides in the same road, to jump out and scream “Punk’d”.  But it’s not to be.  There’s been a complaint about the bike parked on the road.  It’s unregistered.  Yes, he knows, it’s unregistered.  So hence the problem.  They’ve been sitting on it for a while and now they have the time to deal with it.  At 3am.  As you do.  As you do.  Turns out it’s a complete pain in the arse for them to remove plates etc and cause a fuss so he is requested to please remove the bike from the road or get it registered.  Did I mention this is all taking place at 3am?  I’m just saying that this particular tax payer would not have taken kindly to such an intrusion  visit and phonecall at 3am to discuss the issue.  When someone calls me on my mobile phone after 10pm I immediately assume that someone has died and I get out my funeral gear.  Gracious is my friend DL.  Didn’t break a sweat.  Despite the uniform – you all know I love a good uniform but had two gentlemen accosted me with lights at 3am to discuss rego – let’s say I would not have been on best behaviour – WTF?????  might have been screeched once or twice during the conversation (once the shock that someone hadn’t died had worn off).

And then we move onto the bride.  I hope you are following here.

The bride had occasion to go on a date with a doctor last week (every mother’s dream) who pushed the date back by an hour , already rendering it way too late for anyone who gets up at 5am to go to gym 5 days a week.  Bastard.  And then sends a text to say he is running early and is waiting at the bar for her.  Whenever she is ready  – sarcastic like.  So not one to take shit she sits in her car and makes him wait until the designated hour and then tells him she has eaten because it’s like fucking 8.30pm and who hasn’t eaten dinner by then?  (she is a hero for all single women taking shit from blind dates).  To make conversation The Bride tells him about her impressive fitness regime.  The douche (and it has to be said he is a douche) grabs her wrist to check her resting heart rate.  Did I mention that as dead calm as DL is, The Bride is also dead cool.  She looks him down the barrel and tell him how lame he is.  21st century woman, is my girl.  Gold!  The barman serving them and eavesdropping on the date dies a little and hightails for the other end of the bar to snort into his sleeve.  And please don’t think the good doctor didn’t go in for the “I’ll walk you to the car kiss”.  As if.  You lost her at the second text message “can we meet at 8.30?” Asshole.

So while I go about my completely benign existence, doing washing at 11pm and managing teenage tantrums, these two keep me going.  Can you kindly date already? (and I see both of you dying a little as you read this post – which makes me laugh – alot – because I am going to dance at your wedding one day.  Yes I am).

Love and light

Lauren xxx


  1. Have a laugh on me

    GREAT post, love how you write. I hope they sort there shit out and date! As for 8.30 dinner – who hasn’t eaten by then, it’s almost bedtime for most peeps really! Emily 🙂

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