Becoming Miss13

Jeez Louise – birthdays in our family are like an Indian wedding.  Becoming Miss13 – this one’s been a big.

Started last weekend with the changing of the beds (the Queen has the changing of the guards – us, the beds).  Speaking of a queen – Miss13 got mine which necessitated a trip to those people with two first names.  Poor Ron the bed salesman shlepped from bed to bed with me.  I was waiting for one to hug me.  The bed – not the salesman.  See, for the past eight years, when I lie down in my bed, it hugs me.  We’re close that bed and me – I have told The Artist that I will fight for custody of that bed before the children. Enough said.

And any new bed needs new linen –  Ikea Tempe is not in fact near Cronulla.  It’s at the airport – a mere 10 minutes from home.  Easier than going to East Gardens.  Life is good.  However, with The Artist and Miss9 along for the ride – it was taking a very long and unfocussed time.  Why we had to try out chairs when we weren’t looking for chairs, is anyone’s guess.  Leaving them to their own devices and catching up later seemed like a good option at the time.  However, things you should know when you shop at Ikea Tempe:

  • You cannot get a mobile phone signal in 80% of the store. This is not a problem if you stay with your family – if you don’t – it can be.  The store is 3km long.
  • It is almost impossible to swim upstream at Ikea.  People with prams are aggressive – even more so than a blond with an overflowing trolley looking for her people who don’t know the rules at Ikea.
  • Apparently, not everyone knows the rules at Ikea – follow the arrows – move forward.  At the point when someone asks what arrows? it’s time to give up.

The be-dazzling furniture blinds some people from the arrows….

  • Some people like to loiter and make the most of the Ikea experience.  Others like to get what they came for.
  • Ikea don’t make fitted sheets for king size beds – they don’t do kingsize really.  They only make the king size doona’s so as to get the full overlap effect of using them on queen size bed.  WTF is that nonsense?
  • You can get the furthermost parking from the door at Ikea – diagonal as the crow flies – on a Saturday afternoon at 3pm – this is very good for Precious – not so good for the aforementioned blond with the trolley who has done two laps of the store as opposed to one – refer to point above about people backtracking and not following the arrows………

Other things you should know about life after a trip like the one above:

  • Do not plan to go out with your friends that night in 8 inch heels.  Check with your husband that you are not meeting them at a bar 2km away from the restaurant. [Because you might only discover this when  you tell the cab driver to drop you at the restaurant and then your husband directs him elsewhere].
  • Your husband will not notice you are wearing shoes completely unsuitable for a fast walk across Cockle Bay Wharf.  You will have at this stage drunk 2 glasses of wine and 2 vodkas so you might not care.  [And yes – I was the one doing twinkle toes walking on the section that is rustic and board walked outside of the Wildlife World last Saturday night…….]
  • Even though some of you met when you were 9 years old – your 41 year old body cannot take a drinking like that and be okay the next morning.

And then the real birthday weekend dawned yesterday with a brunch and a sleepover.  And I wish someone would have let me know that:

  • Teenage girls can only hear you when you confiscate the computer that they are facebooking on.
  • Teenage girls don’t need to sleep on a Saturday night – they can just whisper in their loudest voice all night and it refreshes them.
  • Even when they say they are going to help you with decorations, what they mean is they will glue gun three butterflies onto a lantern -and only because you don’t know how to use the glue gun.
  • They will not co-operate when  you ask them to have some photos taken.  Then they will be disappointed when there is nothing to load on Facebook after the party.
  • You will buy 12 too many croissants. You will buy 12 too many scones. You will buy 36 too many eggs
  • You will spend the two hours of the brunch chained to the kitchen making bruschetta because that’s all anyone wants.
  • Your rainbow cake that took you three hours to make will be stunning.
  • The Cake. I owe you one Martha Stewart – one to the head with a chair.

  • There will be half a cake left over but your efforts will see you be a Facebook sensation amongst your child’s friends.
  • You will want to kill that bitch Martha Stewart who posted the rainbow cake recipe on the internet – because that’s where your child found it in the first place.
  • You will swear to the Holy of Holy’s that you will never do this again.  Never.  And then chances are, you will again next year.


  1. alwayslauren


    “On behalf of your firstborn miss 13, thanks for slaving over the birthday cake that was never consumed but hay at least it looked the part. Apologies too for disappearing for 2 hours in ikea, while miss 9 and I tried out the best that ikea could offer in rocking chairs & kids bunk beds. PS we actually do know what the arrows are there for but all these years of hearing your yelping instructions at me to turn left, immediately followed by a sharp “you know what I mean turn right” , will invariably take it’s toll… On the other hand we do love and appreciate you and all the crazy eccentricities that come along for the ride.

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